Are you a Perfectionist? Then this one is for YOU…

Team member Analise shares with us a personal experience inspired by TEDxPortofSpain 2013 theme, Connecting.

Ah perfection. I’ve spent most of my life, consciously or unconsciously trying to be perfect – in almost every area of my life – and at the same time feeling like I was failing miserably at it. In a certain sense, perfection is a myth. Major growth, creativity and fulfilled living is possible when you realize that you are a human being and by default, imperfect. The real danger to being a perfectionist (besides the fear of not achieving every goal you have) is the barrier you unconsciously construct that blocks you from connecting with others in a meaningful way.

I was going through a rough patch in my life. We all have those, right? But this was particularly difficult and I did what I always do. Run from my problems by drowning myself in work. It worked for a couple of months but this time, my problems kept catching up with me. I wasn’t able to block them out, forget that they existed and just move on. I was irritated because I was generally frustrated with life itself. I was trying to keep my head above water at work, run a non-profit and I had just started a business so the pressure was definitely on. Adding to my over-scheduled life was an executive position on the board of a local charity.

Something had to give and I decided that maybe I needed to reduce the time devoted to charitable work for a bit until I could piece my life together.

I needed to ask the executive of the charity for a sabbatical but I was ashamed to ask in fear that they might perceive me as absconding my responsibilities. You see the people on the Executive were strong, successful and well, relentless go-getters like Harvey Specter from Suits (if you don’t know, you better Google the man). For me to ask for a sabbatical would mean an admission of weakness, of not being able to handle life’s pressures. My parents have always taught me the importance of keeping promises and not shunning responsibilities when they are given to you regardless of personal challenges. This would also be the first time that I would have to take a much-needed break – this was not an easy decision for me. I tossed for weeks and after discussing it with a couple close friends, I decided to bite the bullet at the risk of being chastised.

I went to the next meeting replaying in my mind what I would say, reciting my tone and intonation. About half way through the meeting, I gathered the nerve to speak. I looked them in the eyes (or at least I tried to) and I explained that I needed a sabbatical due to personal reasons and gave a heartfelt apology for leaving the group in the middle of my term. A second didn’t pass before the questions to started, “How long do you need a break?”, “Why do you need the break?”. The puzzled looks of judgement overwhelmed me. Then my worst fear was realised. One of the members of the group looked at me and point blank said,

“In life we all go through trials but as women we must be strong and forge through.”

I forget the rest of her words but basically I was openly shamed that I was not strong enough to handle life. When she finished her monologue, I had 12 piercing eyes waiting for my reaction. I tried my best, they didn’t listen. I smiled weakly and said that I wouldn’t tender my application for a sabbatical.

I went away from that meeting feeling like a loser. I had admitted to a group of my peers that I was unable to cope and I was admonished for it. What else did I expect? Empathy? Compassion?

Fast forward a couple of months, my life got progressively worse and I was forced to take the easy route. I emailed my request for a sabbatical without discussing with anyone on the committee.

Empathy is vital if we want to connect with others.

This experience caused me to reflect on my own past reactions when someone may not have been able to carry through with their obligations or responsibilities; I may have looked down on them for not doing same. When did I stop to think about what that person may have been going through in their lives? Maybe they, like me, were too ashamed to give the real reason for their absence and hid behind a cloak of wishy-washy excuses. I could have lessened that person’s embarrassment by showing concern and  understanding that in this life, we all need a break from the rigors of endless productivity. Respect their privacy while also respecting their honest self-assessment.

Like a lightbulb, I realised why I was unable to relate and show empathy. I was always shielded by my cloak of perfectionism. This was the true lesson of this experience. My attempt at perfectionism instead of making me be a better person was causing me to be unrelatable and less compassionate towards others.

In the end it was a hard lesson, but I’m glad I got the real message rather than just bitching that people were being mean to me.

blessings….xoxo

Analise